My boss' voice literally gives me gas
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize