well you can't waste a boner
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
