k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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