i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Enjoy the penises
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
