god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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