I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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