god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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