We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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