you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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