Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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