Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
