Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
