Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
