Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
