I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
