i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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