I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
