could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
