I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
