he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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