Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
