She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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