Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
