i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
