I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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