Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
