OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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