The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
i've created a new STD.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
