I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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