guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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