If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Vodka?
Forever.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
