i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
