the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
