he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
