I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
