I don't usually arrange sex via text message
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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