I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
