Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize