there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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