i can't believe i had my finger in that
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
