found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
you inspire me to be a worse person
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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