On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
someone owes me an orgasm
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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