Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
