I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
