Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
