my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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