I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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