apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
