drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
