remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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