I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
