Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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