he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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