my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
