you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
