He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Randomize
